onceleenalivedhere

  Is this what I’ve become a fragment of your memory, a bundle of what ifs and quiet regrets? I still find you in the smallest things, Your scent which still lingers in your sweater, in the quiet moments when everything slows down and I almost feel you near. I wonder if you’d still recognize me now. I’ve grown, I’ve changed, but some days I’m still a mess a collection of broken dreams and the pieces of the me you used to know. There are parts of me that froze the day you left, still waiting for your voice to tell me it’s going to be okay. Sometimes I talk to you out loud, just to fill the silence. I imagine you’d laugh at that and say I’m being dramatic, but listen anyway, the way you always did. Other times, I write you letters like this one, hoping somehow they’ll find their way to wherever you are. I don’t know if you can see me, but I hope you do. And I hope when you look my way, you’re still proud, even of the fragile, stumbling version of me that’s still trying to make sense ...

 They say there are 5 stages of grief and as time passes you reach the final stage (acceptance) but I feel like I'm somewhat caught between denial and anger. I still don't want to believe that you're gone , it feels like I'm back in 5th grade waiting for you by the front door only back then I knew you were coming. I finally made myself watch the funeral video today and it felt like someone stabbed me in heart, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't believe what I was seeing, seeing you covered in all white. I remember white was your favourite colour but rn I hated that white on you , I hated the white that sucked life out of your face. I've a lot to say but somehow everytime I visit you, my mind goes blank. All I could do is cry over my loss and all those thoughts that I keep suppressing starts making there way to me.  IS THIS REALLY WHAT I'VE BECOME NOW? A FRAGMENT OF YOUR MEMORIES,  A BUNDLE OF WHAT IFS AND REGRETS, SO WHEN DO I GEF TO SEE YOU WILL I BE STILL ...