To leena

 Everything just keeps going wrong 

I'm scared of the life I will have to live and it's ruining the life I'm living. As someone who used to be so emotional,  I sometimes am amused by how strong I'm becoming. From the girl who couldn't even talk because she always ended up crying to swallowing my tears because I had to speak, I've changed and tbh I hate this change. I miss being carefree, the leena who was wild, always excited , she died with you on that December night and no one realises. I guess that's what you call life and I'm truly not the biggest fan of it.

I've been bottling my tears for so long that it feels weird when I cry. I was happy today was now I'm lost and reminded of that December night. Sometimes I do wonder if things were different then who would I be, the old leena but I don't remember her, I don't know her , I don't know who she was. I'm playing all these different leenas that I forgot who the real one was . Does this means I'm the fake?

Sometimes I want to run away but where I would run to? There's no place I'm familiar to, nothing screams home to me, nothing but that cold grave where you lie. But I don't even want to be there and I hate to admit it but I don't want to be there. And this hurts because I loved you the most that I thought I would die if you died but I'm breathing, I'm living . I'm forgetting you it's like you were never here and I hate myself for that . Because I don't want to forget you, I want to remember you for a very long time but my heart aches for you.

I want you to call my name but I know you won't because you're not here anymore and you won't be here, you left me all alone with these people who are waiting to tear me apart. How could you do this to me?

My head hurts and I don't know how to cure it. It's like I don't even know what I should do at this point. I go without looking at your pictures for days because I don't want to remember that night but how could I not remember it? Everytime I sit alone with my thoughts , that haunting memory comes to haunt me and it never leaves me .

What should I do? 

To whom I should go? 

Where shall I run?

You left me clueless 

And I'm just standing at the same cold floor for months....

You used to say I'm fearless that nothing scares me but I want to tell you i was scared , I was scared when I had to go upstairs at night and I kept going because I didn't want to disappoint you. I wanted you to love me , what a twisted way to love it was. 

I've regrets, lots of them, there are things I wanted to say , the words that were always stuck in my throat. I wanted to tell you how much I love you, how you meant the world to me, how you were the reason I exist...

And I hate how I never had the courage to say those words to your face because we don't talk in this house do we?

And I hate how normal I'm after what happened, it feels wrong to keep going with my life without you here.

Am I selfish for keep on living?

For laughing 

For enjoying 

For doing things that make me happy without you 

Or am I just too stone hearted to feel anything?

Should I go back to what I used to do?

I've not touched the blade since you left because the thought of you being disappointed in me scares me. I can't let that happen. You were proud of me and that's how i want it to be? 

But what about me ?

What about the things I feel for myself?

I keep trying to go back but I can't 

I can't let that happen again

I can't ruik myself again

I've to love me

But what if I'm not capable of loving?

What if I'm cursed?

What if I end up ruining those I love?

Does it means it's all my fault?