onceleenalivedhere

 Everything just keeps going wrong  I'm scared of the life I will have to live and it's ruining the life I'm living. As someone who used to be so emotional,  I sometimes am amused by how strong I'm becoming. From the girl who couldn't even talk because she always ended up crying to swallowing my tears because I had to speak, I've changed and tbh I hate this change. I miss being carefree, the leena who was wild, always excited , she died with you on that December night and no one realises. I guess that's what you call life and I'm truly not the biggest fan of it. I've been bottling my tears for so long that it feels weird when I cry. I was happy today was now I'm lost and reminded of that December night. Sometimes I do wonder if things were different then who would I be, the old leena but I don't remember her, I don't know her , I don't know who she was. I'm playing all these different leenas that I forgot who the real one was . Do...

i had stopped writing in my diary idk why it's like that, i don't feel like doing anything,i'm sick of pretending, sick of acting, sick of eveything 

 Dear Me, I know right now it feels like everything is caving in. Like no one sees you. Like the pain will never stop. But I’m here to tell you—it does get better. I know, because I’m living proof. You made it through nights you thought would break you. You kept breathing, even when your chest felt hollow. You kept hoping, even in silence. That’s not weakness. That’s your unseen strength. I still carry the memories. The grief. The ache. But it no longer controls me. I’ve learned how to feel without drowning. I’ve learned how to say no without guilt. And most of all—I’ve learned how to love myself. The real me. The girl who survived everything they said would ruin her. There will come a day when you wake up and it doesn’t feel so heavy. When your heart feels like yours again. When you cook just for yourself and no one makes you feel bad about it. When you smile without pretending. That day is coming. So hold on. Not because it’s easy, but because you’re worth the life on the other s...

 Papa  I hate it here I hate begging for every necessity here I hate faking my life I hate your sons They make me feel like shit Why you had to leave like this baba? I needed you I still do My life hasn't been same without you I hate crying myself to sleep I hate bottling up everything  I want to leave  I want to run away from here Baba please just take me  Take me away I don't want to live here

 Papa I miss you so much today  I'm so tired of everything  I'm tired of always being the sane eldest understanding daughter  I really need you here right by my side  I tried hurting myself today but I couldn't I couldn't bear the thought of you being disappointed in me It hurts a lot papa amd I wish there was a way to tell you all this and I'm so sorry for not visiting you it's just that I don't want to see you like that all those thoughts that I'm scared to even think about keeps coming the thought of you being not there and just the remains it hurts a lot I don't even want to think about that it's scary papa You always said meri beti kisi cheez se nhi darti but it was all lie papa it was a mask I had to wear I just want to tell you how much I miss you calling me leenaya and knowing I will never be able to hear that again hurts to core papa I Want to die but I'm scared papa scared of not being able to meet you because I'm a sinner I...

 Fuck fuck fuck I'm so tired of all this shit Like I legit spent 2 fucking hrs in the kitchen to make fucking lasagna for this fucking family and I only had one fucking condition to leave me tf alone when I'm in kitchen but dearest mother decided to show up at my most nerve wrecking moment aka the assembling and I told her to come back after just 5 fucking minutes but no she started all the fucking me ne saaf krna ha sara khalara blah blah blah like I'm literally assembling the whole thing how I'm supposed to clean up at the same time and it's not that I refused to clean up and she always does this so I said a thing or two and then she refused to eat the lasagna that I made and is now crying while doing jharu in sehn Like I'm so fucking tired of this whole I'm the only victim here thing like hello I'm the one who also lost her father and I'm not that old enough to beat everyone's tantrums all the fucking time like I always had a love hate relatio...

 I feel so embarrassed infront of my friend  I was supposed to pick her up like always but they had to made me realise it again that you're gone baba and I'm left all alone and I hate this feeling I hate your sons  And I'm angry And mad And frustrated I don't even want to go at this point  It's so wrong Everything is wrong I miss you He should have died in your place  I feel so pathetic that I've to feel this degradation and humiliation the whole day was a embarrassing hell for me first i had to feel shitty by refusing to pick her up and then to add more embarrassment and humiliation I had to ask her to drop me because the son of bitch that is my brother is a piece of shit who deserves to die in a ditch I felt like crying on the way back home and had to control the fucking tears, cried in the shower and on the top of that the thing that's pissing me the most is no one on my family cares Everyday I breath is an emotional turmoil for me and I hate this continu...

 Idk what's wrong with me I was perfectly fine and was doing my ppt for tomorrow and then I was logging into the bank app and idk what got into me I got really annoyed and has a complete meltdown and ended up misbehaving and shouting at my mother she wasn't at fault  And I just feel guilty now

 Idk what's wrong with me at this point  I was perfectly fine just in one of those sleep slumbers then all of sudden everything starred to annoy me and I was so annoyed I went to my room to sleep and just as I closed my eyes I was taken back to that 2 Dec night again and then boom  I have this continuous tension of my future and deep down some part of me believes I won't get to live the life I always dreamt of and I'll end up living the same life as my mother and it's my biggest fear which I don't even want to say out aloud And I hate how my brother is turning into this version of men I hate he was just a boy and whenever I see glimpses of that little boy it hurts a lot knowing how he'll never be same again  I'm so frustrated both mentally and physically I'm strained and I don't how to make it better  I hate living like this I hate crying everytime something goes slightly wrong  I hate to have this continuous worry about money and my future I was jus...

 I'm sick since yesterday baba and no one bothered to get me medicine and I just hate everything rn  I hate living baba I wish I could just die It's so hard to live without you because no one bothers to check on me and I'm supposed to be fine all the time and I hate crying because my head hurts a lot I want everything to be over before I end up doing something bad

 I fucking hate this feeling that I've been having for days, I feel like tearing up everytime something goes a wrong a little and I just cried while watching the life list which is not a movie I should cry too it's a fucking romcom And I'm hungry but I don't feel like eating because I've been so insecure about my weight and the way I look and I feel so big all the time and it feels disgusting  And I don't even know what's wrong with me at this point , I can't sleep at nights and everything is a freaking mess and things are wrong at so many levels and I don't even know how to fix all that I've been crying a lot lately and idk what I'm crying for I always say I miss the old me but I don't even remember who I miss at this point  And I feel so unloved like I can't wrap my head around the fact that I'm so miserable, lonely and unloved And I love romcoms but I hate that I believe that I'll never be able to experience that love I wan...

 Baba  I hate how everyone keeps making me remember that I don't have a dad anymore to caretaker my needs  I know I'm getting over sensitive over a minor thing but I know it wouldn't had happened if you were here I FUCKING HATE YOUR SONS BOTH OF THEM I was in a good mood today because I saw you in my dream and we went shopping which is kinda funny because we never did that (another thing I won't be able to experience) but the funnier thing is we were buying concealer this made me smile when I woke up And I keep hearing this strange sound which makes me wonder if I've tinnitus  Baba I miss you ten folds extra today  And I love you And I'll always will 

 I was just scrolling Instagram and came across a reel where a child made cake but his parents refused to eat it and suddenly I remembered baba that one time when I tried baking in the mould and ended up burning the cake and so many other instances when I completely ruined the food but nonetheless you ate and praised me It's ramzan now and it feels so weird without you and I haven't called your number in all those 3 months when it used to be my most called number I just miss you a lot and I wish things were different  I always end up bawling my eyes out whenever I journal because you are the only person and topic I can ever write about Allah was so unfair with me baba  I wish there's someway we can talk like in movies  I love you and I miss you so much and I recently started praying again and all my deeds are for you and you only baba  Papa I just wish you are in a better place and looking towards me I really hope so

 I'm scared  I'm not ready nor I've the ability to survive another trauma Allah I know I'm not much of a saint nor I'm always at my best behaviour but please don't make it harder it's already hard on me  Please I'm not ready for an another emotional turmoil for atleast 15 years Please just don't let it happen  Because I'm afraid If anything like this happens I'll end up doing something bad Don't let me go astray

I saw you in my dream like you came and j was really happy baba Today I read some tabeers and it indicates that you're in a good place and came to console me , check one  me and tell me that im doing good and I'm strong and everything will get better Baba I love you so much And I'm really grateful for everything you had done for me

 I love posting on my spam account just for myself  I look forward to it everyday  This is probably the only thing that I do solely for myself and it makes me happy to look back at all the random intrusive posts  Also it's 11:37pm rn and I've uni tomorrow and I need to sleep but I just can't sleep I hate this lifeeeee

 I hate when people come over on Sundays like don't you have anything to do at your own house Like I have to shower, shave and do my Sunday rituals maybe write but now I can't  Like I can't even stay in my room because I've to keep them company ahhhhhhhhhhh I HATE THISSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!

 Baba I went to see you today and I had a lot to talk but I couldn't say anything except crying silent tears  These scary thoughts keep crossing my mind and I'm ao scared to even think about them I just wish we had more time because I needed you and you are not here anymore and I don't know to whom I should tell all those tiny detail's about my life  I just miss you so so much and I hate when people keep mentioning you infront of me it just makes me sad and I end up crying and I don't want to show people my vulnerabilities  I'll always love you papa And u don't know what to do anymore I feel so lost You don't even come in my dreams while everyone else has  I don't want to live like this

 I'll never understand why people cry when someone is leaving for abroad like what are you crying for it's gonna be alright  He just went to another country on a fucking airplane

 It's been 39 days baba and everyone keeps saying you appeared in their dreams and I just sit there and stare at their face I was supposed to be your favourite daughter and I keep sleeping these days just so I can see you but you never came I hate it when people sympathise with me and I don't like talking about that day but people keep forcing me and I hate that I laugh all day but whenever i try to sleep I  keep going back to that day 

 So my dad died a few days ago and I don't know what am i supposed to do. It all just feels so weird to not have him around anymore and I'm just not used to all this. My dad was the only person I ever loved and all my life I just prayed for his life but now that he's gone I'm so clueless about everything. I never even thought that he will be gone just a few minutes later after I said goodbye. It all just happened so quick he didn't have the chance to say anything and I just can't let go of the memory of his face in my hands when he took his last breath. He wasn't ill or anything like that so his death is so sudden to everyone. I was so attached to my dad and the slightest thought of not to be able to see him is killing me. I always thought if something ever happens to him I'll die I never imagined a life without him and now that he's gone I don't know what am I supposed to do How am I supposed to live through all this without him I just miss him ...

 Baba I'm so tired and exhausted  I wish you were here to back me up

 Baba I'm so tired and exhausted  I wish you were here to back me up

 Idk what's wrong with me at this point  I was perfectly fine just in one of those sleep slumbers then all of sudden everything starred to annoy me and I was so annoyed I went to my room to sleep and just as I closed my eyes I was taken back to that 2 Dec night again and then boom  I have this continuous tension of my future and deep down some part of me believes I won't get to live the life I always dreamt of and I'll end up living the same life as my mother and it's my biggest fear which I don't even want to say out aloud And I hate how my brother is turning into this version of men I hate he was just a boy and whenever I see glimpses of that little boy it hurts a lot knowing how he'll never be same again  I'm so frustrated both mentally and physically I'm strained and I don't how to make it better  I hate living like this I hate crying everytime something goes slightly wrong  I hate to have this continuous worry about money and my future I was jus...

 Baba i saw you in my dream again abd this time I hugged you the way I always wanted to and we both cried  Now that I'm writing this I suddenly remembered the last note where I said i wish you were here to back me up and you showed up in my dream Is this your way of comforting and looking after me? Whatever the case I'm just happy abd relaxed to see you  Love you papa

 It's the 6th day since my dad died and I'm still unable to process all this. The thought that he's not gonna be around anymore is git wrenching. I still can't belive he just left like that without saying anything I just wish it to be a fucking nightmare but I know it isn't and he's gone and is not gonna come back but what am I supposed to do I'm so clueless I always thought if something ever happened to him I'll die I never imagined my life would him but in that moment I didn't die I didn't even cry ar first my first thought was I have to be strong for my mother for my brother for my sister and I did act strong I never thought I had something like this in me  It's been almost a week and it all doesn't feel true it just feels like he's out somewhere and will be back soon but he's not coming back he's just not coming back What am I supposed to do  all my life I just prayed for his life and now he's gone and I'm so fucki...